smartycat

Calling it

2008-11-04T16:58:00.001-08:00

Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States. Book it.

Also, the dog just pissed in his sleep. It didn't faze him. I am entranced by this. We have a piss dog here.

Giuliani - Getting all Freudian

2008-11-04T13:52:00.001-08:00

Rudy Giuliani on McCain's support.

"The theory goes that, reporters return to their own, vo-voting habits."

His vo-vo-voting habits, Rudy? Did you just compare your man to puke? I live with mammal, 24-7, who devours his vomit, and does so enthusiastically. His life is an unending cycle of misplaced devotion.

Madelyn Dunham - RIP

2008-11-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

It's barely noon, and Kevin has resorted to mocking the dead. Stay tuned for a classy evening, folks.

Why I Support Obama

2008-11-04T09:07:00.001-08:00

As a cat, I support Barack Obama for the following reasons:

1) First off, I am black. While some may consider this irrelevant, and may also note that I am more of a charcoal-grey, I feel I understand what oppression is.

2) The good people of ACORN have supplied me with 1 and 1/4 lb. of hamburger (real burger, none of this Fancy Feast shit) in exchange for my vote.

3) The veteranarian who removed my testicles is a Republican.

4) I support a middle class tax cut.

5) CHANGE!

I also support Norm Coleman. I mean, I'm not a lunatic.

Live coverage

2008-11-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

As Kevin dishes it, I take it.

The owners are away, the dog is enamored of the clicking sound the ice machine makes, and is thusly distracted. Let's do this.

An Endorsement

2008-09-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

It would seem that Kevin was, erm, impressed with John McCain's speech. I mean, don't get me wrong. His endoresement was subtle, and I had to read the lines. But if we parse the text, I think we can get the meaning. Here is an excerpt:

"McCain is everything ever!!!! Obama will kill homeless orphans because he takes a liking to it!!!! IT IS ABSURD TO HOLD DIFFERENT OPINIONS!!!!"

I'm sorry, was this a cynical Republican watching a predictable convention speech or Kathryn Jean Lopez playing canasta with the !@#$ing Pope?

Cripes.

2007-10-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

An acquaintance of mine recently encountered a problem. His cat was clingy and, seemingly, depressed. The solution? More cats.

This is a curious line of reasoning. I am an only cat myself. Of course, while I enjoy the respite from people during the day, I am not without sympathy for those cats (most of whom are illiterate) who find the loneliness overwhelming. For those cats, I would suggest exercise. For outdoor cats, I find that taking a jog around the block clears the head, without putting so much distance between myself and the house that I become disoriented and feral.

I remember when the owners brought the dog home from wherever the hell it is people get dogs. The dog, as regular readers know, is completely retarded. As I speak, he is barking at the flashing time on the VCR, as he does every single day. The owners find this behavior endearing. Suffice to say, his company is completely insufficient to salve any wounds that my loneliness might have created.

And neither would the introduction of another cat. Now, if Bridgette and her articulate neandrethal of a husband feel compelled to acquire cats in order to expand whatever it is having multiple cats is supposed to do for someone, then this is their decision. But simply adding another cat to appease the first is ineffective at best, cruel at worst.

Do humans have babies in order to sate the desire for similarly aged company on the part of their first born? No. You people make more people because you love babies and insist on having sex almost constantly. I do not get the sex drive of human beings. Granted, I have no testicles, as my owner saw fit to remove them on account of some sort of custom you barbarians have, but still. Humans are like gay apes.

Besides, I've met the Welle's new cat. He's kind of an ass. He goes on and on about "Friday Night Lights" and how it shouldn't be cancelled. For crying out loud, it's a TV show about football, how about cracking a book?

So yeah, I'm against the decision to move toward a multiplicity of cats. I find it absurd.

Offended

2007-05-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

I have to be honest. I have been very offended by "The Problem With Kevin" lately. While I usually grant a certain amount of latitude to those who are more creative, I think there are some breaches of civility here. In particular, the offhand comments about people of particular backgrounds or races, the proponderance of cussing, and the degrading attitude toward women are deeply offensive to me.

Further, his conservative rants are getting out of control, and I don't understand why he finds it necessary to criticize other people's favorite restaurants. I am calling on Kevin to remove discontinue his blog, at least for the time being, and wait until he can proceed in a more constructive manner.

I'm sorry to be so bold, but I feel this needs to be said.

I'm itchy

2007-01-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

I itch today. It can't be fleas. God, I hope it's not fleas. You think it's fleas? Can I get fleas in the wintertime? I really wouldn't know. I'm only 10 months old.

Ah, I am itchy, though, no matter how many times I bat myself with my paw, I can't seem to. Alright, I'm just gonna have to use my tongue. That's a little better. Yeah, that's not bad. I like licking myself, when i get around to it.

You can leave now.

Apparently I'm out of date

2007-01-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

Or at least self-proclaimed blog-policeman Kevin Sawyer thinks so. I guess I don't update my blog frequently enough for his liking. Well, gee, I'd better update. What should I write? Perhaps I should consult the expert. What would Kevin do?

Um, boy, so-and-so second tier televangelist has raised my ire with his unorthodox political shenanigans. Yes, he is heretical for disagreeing with me! Everyone get angry at once, even though you have never heard of him!

Hey, Rip Torn, wanna get high? Yes, is Rip Torn ironic enough? I think he's pretty ironic, and I would like to get high with him for that reason. See, I am using a recurring joke. Isn't that so, so clever? That is called comedy. Apparently, I'm an expert in comedy, allow me to spend 200 paragraphs telling you how expert I am.

Hey, you know what sucks? "Life is Beautiful" sucks. Yes, everyone loved that movie, so I am required to hate it. Worst film ever. Oh, and the Republican part is just awwwwwwwwesome! I mean, I'm aware of their faults, but I just think they are incredible. I am SUCH a fanboy. I put the GO in GOP, you know what I'm saying.

Yes, I can blog too. Everyone should read my 58 posts per week because I'm brilliant and amazing.

Oh, and Kevin, do you have any friends who AREN'T pregnant. Who is your pastor, Caligula?

What the hell was that?

2006-11-20T10:13:00.000-08:00

So, this morning, my owners took it upon themselves to throw me in the backseat of their car, which they drove throughout the city at, oh, 40 miles per hour, until we arrived at this office. Then we go into this room with a steel table, and this doctor is all up on me with needles and rectal thermometers.

What was that about? Is this what you people do when your out and about? Re-enacting weird alien experiments? I why the hell is the dog always so happy to go along? Pervert.

You people make me sick.

Elections

2006-11-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

So, I cast my vote for the sensible Mike Hatch for governor. He was the clear choice, and I found him to be of even temperament.

Does anyone know if he won? I'm just curious. I considerable myself something of a pol.

Dog Article

2006-10-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

Today I read this nauseating piece in the (pro-dog) Star Tribune.

http://www.startribune.com/462/story/745705.html

The story is about a cat who set a house on fire, and a dog who "saved" the disabled resident. This is such a puff-piece, I can't even begin to bear it. I live with a dog. Suffice to say, it isn't saving anyone. It even eats it's own feces from time to time. Howabout this for a headline?

"Dog eats own crap. Cat is #$%^#&$ stupified."

But no, it's "Dog saves this. Dog saves that." Every dog is freaking Benji, all of the sudden.

Ridiculous.

Guest Post: The Dog

2006-10-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

Well, Ive been busy lately in my new book, so I thought I'd let the dog take a shot at guest blogging. Here is.

From: The Dog

Alright! Alright! Going for a trip! Going for a trip! I'll just grab my leash and...
Where'd they go! Where'd they go! Are they here? Are they there? I have no idea! Oh, this is really going to hell quick. Where'd they go?

WHERE'D THEY GO? WHERE'D THEY GO? WHERE'D THEY GO? WHERE'D THEY GO? WHERE'D THEY GO? WHERE'D THEY GO? WHERE'D THEY GO?

Oh, God, what is happening? Is that the car? Are they leaving? Holy crap. Okay, breathe man, breathe... Alright. It's cool. Just.

ARRAARGHGHGHSERHG BITE PILLOW! CRAP ON RUG! I"M INCONSOLABLE!!!! NYASSSHSHH!!!! WOOF WOOF WOOF!

Bad scene, man... Bad Fellini... Bad Fellini...

REARHAERAFREDX WOOOOF! PISS EVERYWHERE CHEW THROUGH DOOR!!!!

AW, GOD... AW, GOD PLEASE... OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD....

As a Cat, I'm voting democrat

2006-10-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

I read the news. I can make up my mind. You know what? The hell with it. I'm voting Democrat. I'm going to enjoy this. This is just sensible. Yeah, the way the world is going right now. It's time to vote Democrat.

What? Screw you. Fundie.

My eyes glow in the dark

2006-09-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

My eyes glow in the dark. I have night vision.

I see you... I see you...

I shut my eyes, now I'm invisible. I'm invisble.

Aw, crap I'm tangled in the carpet. i am freaking out right now. I... Ah, dammit!

Not now, not like this

2006-09-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

Get your hands off of me. Stop stroking me! Damn you, stop! Stop stroking me! I don't want this. Oh please! Please, I don't want this.

Hiss!!!!!

HIIIIIIISSSSSSS!!!!!

Faces of Meth

2006-09-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

Over at TPWK, Kevin has a pretty amusing parody of the faces of meth ad campaign were always seeing, I thought I'd chime in with my own.

Before

After

Yeah, I stole this idea, and an image from his blog. I don't see a problem with that. You ass.

How old is this food

2006-09-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

How old is this food in my dish? I can't tell. The owners just pour new crap on top of the old stuff, and then mix it around. I could be eating weeks-old cereal. What is it with cat owners being such deadbeats anyway? I consider myself a smart, self-sufficient pet. Why are my owners neurotic, chronically unemployed smokers/artists?

Oh, my food has ants in it. That's just #$%^&*( great.

I scratched the dog

2006-08-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

I scratched the dog. The dog was too curious, and was getting in my space, so I scratched him. I'll do it again, too.

I liked it.

Despair

2006-08-28T05:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the darkness
Coats my fur
Covering my in a warm, thick
Patch of pain

My claws declawed
My fangs defanged
I am, in a word
spent

Such is a cat's life
a spinning cavalcade of doom
nonchalantly pecking
at my soul

like the death-crows
that capitavte me

My name is Pickles

2006-08-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

Good God, my name is Pickles. Why, oh why, have I been named Pickles? What can possibly be expected of me? What can I accomplish when i've been named after the contents of a jar? I'd like to go back to school, maybe get an advanced degree. What am I gonna be, Dr. Pickles?

I didn't even get a last name. I'm just Pickles. What the hell, man?

Don't tell me here kitty

2006-08-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

Don't tell me "here kitty kitty". Get up off me. I swear, I will bite you. I will break skin. Don't give me that. Don't reduce me to that. I'm not coming. I am not responding to this.

"Here, kitty, kitty?"

Yeah, whatever.

Kitty Poetry

2006-08-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I like to write poetry - here goes.

My soul haunts me
Like a festooned hairball
Asbestos cough
Of an undaunted soldier

My four legs
are weak
I meow for my food
I die

As I purr,
my sandpaper tongue
curling and sleeping
a white plume

I've Started a Blog

2006-08-22T09:40:00.000-07:00

I figured everyone was getting in on the whole blogging thing, so I'd give it a try. Not that I have that much interesting to say. I'm just a cat, so my life pretty much consists of eating dry cereal, sleeping, and being infatuated with some weird thing in the room that nobody else can see.

But I like to write, so let's see what happens!

Oh, and I love Brad Pitt. Don't get me started on Brad Pitt.

Kevin's Camden Ballot

2005-11-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

Kevin has made his recommendations as to how you North Minneapolis people should vote. Take them or leave them.

Boycott Robbinsdale

2005-02-26T22:04:00.000-08:00

I'm with Kevin on this one.

Rich Garvey Fraud

2004-04-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

Richard Garvey, owner of Tri-Minnesota Mortgage has, in a signed statement, admitted to mortgage fraud. As a penalty, he is facing a $20,000 fine, and is not allowed to practice in the state of Minnesota. Among other things, he admitted to providing false documentation and deceiving both lenders and homebuyers.